Gray Skys And Cloudy Eyes
by Mi-chan7
Summary: Usagi learns the hard way; there are some mistakes that can never be fixed.


Gray Skys And Cloudy Eyes   
  
She floats, blue black swirling against her body. Her white flesh stands out in the murky stillness. Glassy sky eyes stare at me as I reach for her. My fingers spread out, become translucent, the pulsing blood starkly visible under pallid skin. Dark hair drifts around her head, brushing against her cheeks, black contrasting silky chalk. The angry red mark on her forehead stares out from under the downy softness of her bangs. Her body shifts, dissolves, melting away into the sea until all that's left is the faded soul. I open my eyes.   
  
The alarm clock rings. Time to start another day. And just for a moment, I contemplate rolling over and ignoring it. Fuck society. I get up anyway, feel around with my feet until one of them brushes up against my slippers. Pink. Fuzzy pink bunny slippers, given to me on a birthday many years ago. They don't fit anymore, but it's all right. I don't deserve nice, pretty things. That me is gone, dissolved, like the girl in my dream.   
  
I pad downstairs, listen to the faint murmuring of her family. I stayed the night at Rei's. I didn't feel like having to deal with my family again. The soft murmuring behind walls, behind closed doors. The air was thick with my silent agony. I had to get away.   
  
I'm wearing a pair of her pajamas, the slippers were left from another sleepover months ago. I'm always the forgetful one. I didn't realize I left them until I came back yesterday. We both slept in her bed. I know I'm not welcome though. I know she doesn't want me here. She doesn't want to be near anything as filthy as I am. It's just hospitality. I make her fidgety, flighty. She plays with her hair, wrings her hands. Anything to keep from looking at me. She yearns to get away.   
  
She never once bumped against me during the night. I've slept over a lot before. We'd share her bed, the floor always made my shoulder and side ache in the morning. She never minded being squished. I think she just liked having the company. She used to playfully kick me in the shins or lie down so our shoulders were touching while we chatted on her bed. But now her eyes have clouded over. I see pity and disgust reflected in her irises, and behind that stark fear. She eyes me like one eyes a homeless beggar. Here, now stop clinging to me! She's afraid of me. Can I blame her? I think I'm afraid of myself.   
  
Her grandfather wanders about the house in blissful ignorance, not of the events that have transpired weeks ago, but of our inner turmoil. He looks up when I enter the kitchen. Smiles. Winks. The old pervert's flirting with me as usual. It's nothing new. I try to smile back, forcing the corners of my mouth to turn upward. It deflates as soon as he looks the other way. I guess I tire him. I'm not as interesting as I used to be when I was younger. I guess when a girl reaches 19, the innocence and naively she had at 14 dissipates. But let me tell you, age is relative. At 14, I'd lived more life than most triple my age. It never bothered me before. But now, well, things change.   
  
Rei finally comes in. She looks tired, her hair fuzzy and tangled right down to the split ends. She smoothes it the best she can and still avoids looking at me. She sits down at the table instead. I move off to the side and slide into the seat next to her. I don't look at her. I don't want to see her look away again. Even worse, I don't want to meet her eyes if she doesn't. I hate the deepness, cloudy and transparent simultaneously. Eyes like a prostitute or a soldier.   
  
A heaping pile of pancakes are set before me. Rei's grandfather smiles lewdly while holding the spatula. I think he was trying to look down my pajama top while serving our breakfast. Why else would he be so hospitable? Politeness? I've spent so much time here to considered be a guest. I've evolved past just being a friend. I'm more in cousin range now.   
  
His grin quivers and droops into a frown. "Shame, what happened to that little girl."   
  
The fork clatters as it hits the floor. I stare at it stupidly. My vision starts swimming.   
  
"Oh, let me get that," he says, already picking up the fork and setting it in the sink. He returns with a clean one. "Here."   
  
I take it and resume picking at my food. I steal a glance in Rei's direction. She's not there.   
  
"I think she went up to her room," her grandfather says.   
  
I get up and take my plate to the sink and thank him before running back upstairs. I slow down when I reach the hall. My slippers stick to the floor. I feel like weights are strapped to the soles of my feet. My body becomes tight when I get to her door. It's closed. My heart pumps lead though my veins. My chest feels so heavy. I knock. Silence. I wait. I knock again, louder this time. The doorknob rotates and the door slides open. She's standing there in a black dress. Her hair's still messy and I can see she was putting mascara on. A bit is smeared below her right eye. She looks like a sad little kid. I resist the urge to wipe it away with my thumb.   
  
"Go.." She turns. "Go home Usagi. Get ready."   
  
"Rei-chan..." I hesitate. I'm fidgeting. "Please... I-I.. I can't face them. Not on this day. Not now."   
  
She's still facing away from me. Her back stiffens and I wrap my arms around myself. A pitiful plea for what? A hug? Tenderness? Compassion? Understanding? Suddenly I desperately crave Mamo-chan's warmth.   
  
"I can't... I can't do this by myself."   
  
Her body seems to deflate as she turns around, her eyes darker than normal. She draws me into a hug. I cling to her shoulders, desperately trying not sob. It's hard to hold everything in. Somehow I manage. She pushes me back, at arms length, I feel nails digging painfully into my shoulders. I'm not sure if it was a gesture of comfort or anger. I don't know if she was hurting me on purpose. "The closet." Her voice is scratchy. "Find something that fits." I move past her and look inside. It's undeniably Rei in here. I can see a few of the pants she wears at her shrine tucked away in a corner. I'm almost afraid to move anything, as if my touch will defile it. I can hear her tapping her foot softly. She's getting impatient. She's sick of having to be around me. I quickly grab a black dress and close the doors. "You can use my makeup too if you want." Her voice is barely audible.   
  
I look at her again. She's fixed her hair and mascara. I try to smile as I slither past her to use the bathroom to change. I'm usually not modest around my friends but today I feel particularly vulnerable. "Usagi." I stop. She leans forward, ever so slightly. "You know.. it couldn't have been."   
  
"Yeah.. Yeah, Rei-chan, I know." My voice is flat, dead. I don't believe what I said for a second._ It **was** my responsibility... She **was** my responsibility. _   
  
My smile must look so pathetic. I slink past her to the bathroom, close the door. I stare in dismay at the various cosmetics scattered across the sink counter. I have to start somewhere. I set the dress down on a dry patch of the counter.   
  
I stab myself in the eye with Rei's mascara wand. Dammit. I try again. Stab. I wipe my eyes. A dark gritty trail of black smears across my face. I finally give up and get a cotton swab. I soak it with baby oil and dab gently. There. All better. I splash my face with water, wipe it on the towel hanging on a rack. I try again with the wand. It slips and pokes my eyelid. This isn't getting me anywhere.   
  
"Let me do it."   
  
I nearly jump. When was she behind me? Are my senses that dulled? God, in any other circumstance Luna would be disappointed. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't care right now. Luna hasn't spoken to me since that night.   
  
I try not to fidget as Rei brushes mascara on my lashes. I'm surprised she doesn't gouge my eyes out. I'm surprised I didn't gouge them out myself. Maybe then it would stop replaying in my head.   
  
"There."   
  
She bits her lip. "That's the best I can do. Put on the dress and some eye shadow. Be downstairs in 20 minutes."   
  
Then she's gone, disappearing through the partially opened door, a mute shadow. I fish out some blue eye shadow. Find the little pad for it. I brush my eyelids a smoky aqua. It looks cheeky, but I don't feel like fixing it. I'm too tired. I'll end up botching it even worse. I put on some lipstick. A dark red, blood red.   
  
I slip out of Rei's PJ bottoms and slide the shirt over my head. It crumples on the floor by the pants. I push them both out of the way with my toe. I unzip the dress. It's so soft. Satin. Real satin. I love the way it feels against my skin. I pull it over my head. The bathroom is covered by darkness, it's like a tent in here. I'm holding it against my eyes. For a moment, all I see is black. I like this. I suddenly don't think being blind would be so horrible. But then something comes into focus. Two eyes, a pale body. I squeeze my eyes shut, but it's still there, waiting for me behind my lids.   
  
I hear noise downstairs. Better finish up. I pull the dress the rest of the way down. Wiggle my hips so it falls smoothly. I zip it up, jump a bit in an attempt to get the zipper up. I finally reach around my shoulder and pull it the rest of the way. I look at myself in the body length mirror. A girl with puffy eyes and frizzy hair pulled back in twin buns stares back blankly. God, I look horrible. It's at this moment that I realize I need panty hoes.   
  
I leave the bathroom. I don't feel right about searching through Rei's stuff, but I don't want to bug her again. I'm relived to find a pair peeking out from under her bed. I pull them out and stretch them over my legs, yanking them all the way up to my waist. I stretch awkwardly a few times to get comfortable. I look in her closet for a suitable pair of high heels.   
  
Rei looks stressed when I finally stumble downstairs. The shoes clunk nosily against the tile floor. She's wearing a gray dress coat and has something bundled under her arm.   
  
"You can borrow this." It's pushed into my arms. Another coat. Similar to hers, looks slightly more worn. I thread my arms through the sleeves and zip it part ways.   
  
I follow her outside, a few steps behind. She doesn't want me too close. I look up. The sky's dark, thick gray clouds two feet above my head. I feel a drop of rain, and then another. The ground suddenly dissolves as it comes splattering down. I try to avoid the puddles while rushing after Rei.   
  
The ride to the funeral is thick with suppressed tension. I try not to fidget as I sit next to her in the back seat. I don't know why she didn't sit up in the front. I feel dampness underneath me, rain soaking into the seat cushion. It comes down in thick sheets, obscuring everything. It's bleary, like a dream out of focus. Like that day. Rei's twisting her black gloves. Fancy ones. Black lace decorates the cuffs.   
  
It's a sea of black umbrellas. I look out the window, try to spot my family, try to spot Mamo-chan. They're here somewhere. They knew her. We all knew her. I know we're late. We didn't go to the reception. But I couldn't stand it. I'd go mad. I'd fling myself out a window. Anything to wash away the guilt.   
  
The lock clicks open. She's moving away from me. I still don't look over. Her grandfather curses while struggling with his umbrella. I see a dark shadow on the edge of my vision, Rei standing next to my door. Her umbrella looms over her head like some black sun. An eclipse. Click. I push the door open. My heals sink into damp ground. Water gushes into my shoes. My feet feel slippery. She extends her arm slightly. I hesitate, then move to stand under the umbrella with her. We follow her grandfather.   
  
The blood freezes in my veins. I see them. I know I can't turn away but I see them. My heart pumps ice. Hysterical sobbing, she's breaking apart, shattering. Dark circles, his face is gray, dark smoky eyes clouded with pain. Those eyes so much like hers. I unconsciously grab hold of Rei's arm. She shakes me away. I stumble, fall down. She doesn't help me up.   
  
I stare at the ground. Grass. Individual blades of green poking up. I'm crushing them with my hands. I sink my fingers into the dirt. It's gurgles over, burying them, pressing into the tender skin under my nails. I get up. My knees are stained with dirt. I can see a little blood from where I hit a rock embedded in the earth. I wipe it off the best I can.   
  
I'm shivering, my bones are soaked with rain. Rei's far ahead of me. I can't see her grandfather. I don't want to go any further, but I have to. I have to. She deserves it. She deserves my agony. One step, baby steps. Slowly. Move one foot, drag the other after it. Take it slowly. Oh God. I can see it. I can see the casket. People are parting, letting me through. I can see it. God help me, I can't do this. I still move forward . One step at a time. I take it one step at a time. I see familiar faces. Rei, her grandfather. They're already there. The other senshi. They're all here. They're all here. Mamo-chan. Oh God. What have I done? Haruka scowls at me. Minako turns to look the other way. I see my family. Dark faces blend together. The mother is still sobbing hysterically.   
  
I want to question the existence of God. She's so small. The casket dwarfs her. She didn't seem so tiny before. I almost vomit. What in God's name have I done? I'm only a few feet away. I step closer. I can see it. My heart clenches in my chest. Oh God, I see it. The mark, partially hidden, under her bangs. How was I to know? God, how could I have known? She's so tiny, so small. Tiny eyes, tiny hands. A voice like the wind. A soft warm breeze cut lose and transformed into a hurricane.   
  
I'm turning. I'm running. I trip, fall down. The dirt scrapes against my cheeks, against the tears smeared across my face. I get up. I run. _It wasn't my fault... _   
  
My heart thunders against my ribs, a frantic bird trying to escape. What would happen then? Would it jump from my throat, bloody wings flapping against the air?   
  
_ Wasn't my fault. Didn't see her. _ Would I be missed now? After everything, would I be missed?   
  
_ Couldn't have... She shouldn't have been there...._   
  
I see her, behind my eyelids, in between my eyelashes. Her face shivers in crevices and shadows, behind trees and lights. Her voice echoes the wind.   
  
_ Shouldn't have... I shouldn't have.... Oh God. How could I have known?!_   
  
The voices are far away, I'm fading. I run faster. My legs are burning. I don't care. I want the pain. I want the hurt. It's not enough.   
  
_ A shiver of light, something gold. My tiara, sailing through the air... the illusion fades... A rough scream, my scream, as it embedded itself in a little girl's skull. _   
  
I look over my shoulder. The funeral progression is nothing more than a black smudge on the horizon. I've been running like this for a half hour. I don't care. I can never face it again. I push myself even faster. I wish I could run out of my skin. Leave my filthiness behind. Be born again.   
  
_ Red blood trickling down. _I didn't mean to... _A sickening crack on impact. _I thought it was the yoma..._ Glassy eyes staring at me. _ I didn't mean to... _She was only four years old. _I didn't know... _The breath leaving her lips._ I didn't know!!!!   
  
My heart aches... my body aches. I want it to end... It has to end. The agony is like the edge of a very sharp knife. It cuts into me, makes me bleed. It leaves behind open wounds. If my soul leaked out of them, what would be left?   
  
_ What have I done? _Trying to help..._ What have I done!! _Didn't mean too...   
  
Oh God, I see it clearly. That dirty label. I belong with filth. I should drown in sewage, shave my head and paint my eyes with ashes.   
  
_ Murderer. _   
  
A road is coming up. The roar of cars beckons me. It pounds inside my ears. I've lost the feeling in my legs but my heart feels like it's going to burst. But I can't let up yet.   
  
_ Didn't mean to..._   
  
That tiny body... _My throat collapsing in on itself._ She seemed so fragile. _The crunch of bone shattering under metal._ My feet hit pavement.   
  
_ What have I done...._   
  
I fall down again, struggle to stand up. But this time I don't run. My head feels detached, light, as if floating above my body. I've never felt anything like this before, this beautiful numbing calmness. I turn around, the sun burns into my eyes. Something's coming, a silhouette against the warm blinding light. My heart must be bleeding. I hear a sound, somewhere, off in the distance, growing increasingly louder. The high pitched cry of screeching tires. A horn suddenly blares. I feel a terrible rumbling. The silhouette comes into focus. A semi truck. My body shakes, under my feet, the pavement trembles. It's only 20 feet from me now. The air screams. Incredible heat washes over me. Metal scrapes against pavement, flecks of rock scatter, cut into my flesh. It's just a breath away. I fling my head back, open my arms, embrace the sky. It cuts off the sun, metal overtakes my vision. I no longer feel pain.   
  
_ God help me._   
  
I close my eyes. 


End file.
